Lambchop and the Borg

So it’s day eight of an apparently eternal cough.  I am a mere newbie from all reports I’ve read or heard.


Isn’t Lambchop a sweetie? (Photo credit: happydacks)

To paraphrase a lovely puppet from the sixties, Lambchop, “This is the cough that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend, somebody started coughing once not knowing what it was and they’ll continue coughing now forever just because this is the cough that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, somebody started….”

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

I’ve heard from some that it only lasts two weeks.  MSH has been battling the crud since before Christmas. I read of one who’s been hacking since the dawn of time, Thanksgiving. My doctor said nine days. How did she come up with nine days? Why nine, not eight, or twelve.  She probably figured by day nine I would have lost track of what day it was (I have) and I wouldn’t care anymore (I don’t.) Smart doctor.

star trek borg race Star Trek Exhibit at Queen...

“Resistance is Futile” So is cough suppressant! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently this evil abomination of a cough laughs in the face of antibiotics, chortles at inhalers, becomes maniacal at the introduction of steroids. To quote the Borg from Star Trek, “Resistance is futile.” In other words, cough suppressants are useless, too.

I had a little run in with an over-the-counter cough suppressant that failed to warn me of the possible hallucinations, nausea, light-headedness and chills that would accompany the promised temporary cessation of cough. I know I should have googled it before taking it, but I was already beside myself.  Or at least I was beside my lung, which I had hacked up during the previous few coughing bouts.

At least during the next eighteen hours of coughing I wasn’t quite so freaked out by it because I was, by all accounts, high as a kite!!

The dreams I have between hacking sessions are bizarre and frightening. Perhaps that explains my earlier references to Lambchop and The Borg in the same blogpost.

I’ve resigned myself to living out my remaining days in my robe and slippers, of which I have two choices. My boss, bless her generous heart and sense of humor, gave me a leopard print robe and leopard print slippers as a Christmas gift. So now I can be stylishly near death’ s door.

Leopard Rug

Leopard Rug (Photo credit: Curious Expeditions)

When that robe gets too germ infested I can wash it and wear my puffy blue cloud print robe which matches where my head is at and where I hope to end up should this cough dispense my other lung on the floor.

I have come to one conclusion through this.  Hell is not a fiery pit, it is a coughing fit.

I have a few last words for you.  Hand Sanitizer. Vitamin C. Zinc Tablets. Face Mask.

Be well and may your immune system stay strong!

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

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21 thoughts on “Lambchop and the Borg

  1. We had that in the fall, along with a lot of our coworkers and neighbors. We had a lot of exoeriments and recommendations to try. We found the best thing to ease the cough is an old fashioned elixir called Root It Away from Mountain Rose Herbs.
    It’s a trying situation…exhausting. Get well soon!


    • Yeah, I’ve hit that desperation point of researching alternatives forms of relief. Fascinating stuff out there. Thanks for the recommendation!


  2. Leanne

    hahahahahhahaa sorry, I shouldn’t laugh at your misery. Hope you get feeling better soon so we can come visit you!!! I love you!!!


  3. Hang in there! I had it for a month… I hope you recover much more quickly than I did. 🙂


    • Not sure I can last a whole month like this. How did you survive?


      • I didn’t sleep much due to the cough, but I had to continue on, as my five-year-old simply won’t let me slow down. I did my usual… lots of tea (green tea or ginger tea with fresh lemon juice in it) and green smoothies (kale, chard, etc mixed with frozen fruit.. which I drink daily anyways). Getting outside for slow walks daily seemed to calm down my cough. Hang in there! You will get better!


      • A slow walk sounds nice, even in the cold air. Thanks!


  4. I am so sorry that you’re still sick. Whenever we thought we were sick in Jr High, our Jr High nurse would insist that we drink hot water all day. (I’m going to essay that sometime.) So I drink tons of hot water when I think a cold is coming. I think it helps a little. Great writing!


  5. Oh, oh poor you, my Jack is into his 4th week and it is slowly, very slowly losing its grip. So far, thank goodness he hasn’t passed it on to me. Been no cuddles for 4 weeks!!!!!


  6. Kathy

    I’ve wondered since August if you ever gave in to the leopard print? What does MSH think of it? I made a neckroll pillow/ bolster for the boys’ jungle bedroom but that’s the extent of it. I hope it releases you from its grip soon; that’s no fun. I’m glad it doesn’t prevent you from blogging


    • He just shakes his head and laughs. It’s so not me. Saw the doc for the 2nd time yesterday, so I’m holding out hope that this round of meds does the trick for me. I’d love to see the boys room.


  7. Poor girl, I feel your pain! But the humor with the take on “Song that Never Ends” was such a riot! It hurt to laugh (the ribs aren’t happy with me) but I needed it…since my daughter is also coming down with it now. Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to last as long for me. Lingering effects, maybe, but the constant coughing is already easing off. Now, if my fever would just go and stay gone!

    Hang in there, lady.


  8. Hell is a sneezing fit at the most inappropriate moment. 🙂


  9. Awesome post! I will keep an on eye on your blog.


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