It’s Gratituesday! Today I’m thankful that the day is over with. This is a day I’ve dreaded and avoided for almost five years.
My buddy Kathy used to nag me about this day. I ignored her. And she was not an easy person to ignore. But, I finally did it. She can rest easier now.
And I’m here to say I survived the entire process leading up to today. Which at the time seemed impossible.
Should be a controlled substance.
Notice I didn’t say I enjoyed the process. I did prepare as best as I possibly could. I found some great info online which I’ll include at the bottom (ahem) of this post so you can, when you eventually find yourself in need of the info, easily find it for your own reference.
This snippet from Dave Barry helped lighten the mood when I was in the thick of thin things.
Basically if you’re under fifty you can just stop reading now. Seriously. Just stop. Now.
I mean that.
I really do.
Stop.
So if you’re still reading and under fifty, you’re a glutton for punishment. There are things about life that it’s best just not to anticipate. Things like getting older.
As a teenager I swore I would be one of those adults that never acted or got old. I was going to ride my bike to work rain or shine. I would also have one of those I love nature-gardening-healthy-living tans. I would hike mountains even when I got as ancient as forty.
I had this image of adult life based on, I don’t know, zero facts about reality. Things like what pregnancies do to a woman’s body, or how endless years of sleep deprivation take a toll. Or the harsh reality of how eating chocolate to ward off mood swings leads to harder drugs like diet coke which apparently contains stealth fat cells riding in on non-sugarlike substances magically becoming toxins that make you look hundreds of years old and make you want more chocolate.
My adult life plan pretty much was everything my life as an adult has never even remotely resembled. That sentence made no sense. I blame the drugs from earlier today. And the lack of food.
I’ve only gone without food since 9:30 this morning. But that’s a technicality. Liquids don’t really count as food. Salted carmel is still on the table for whether or not it counts as a clear liquid. I say yes now, but I said no yesterday, which is probably for the best.
I’m just so relieved. (Poor word choice, I know.) But I am literally and figuratively relieved that this is all in the past.
What is it Timon and Pumba say to Simba?
“Ya gotta put your behind in the past.”
Sounds about right.
The dreaded C word happened. and now it’s over and I don’t have to think about it again for ten whole years.
Yes!!
The C word? Oh, not the BIG C word. The little c word. Colonoscopy.
And really, the procedure itself isn’t so bad, especially since I had some happy medication to put me into what the nice doctor called “a chemical sleep.” She put something in my IV then asked me about my best vacation ever and then I woke up. I felt happy and relaxed and so glad to be done.
Next time I’ll leave my phone at home.
In fact, on the way home I kept laughing for no reason. And then I texted my daughter this:
And then I banned myself from the internet for a few hours.
Like most things in life it’s the preparation before hand that takes it outta ya.
I’m talking about the following: A clear liquid diet for twenty-four hours. Followed by four Dulcolax tablets, a gallon of lemon Gatorade mixed with the harshest chemical ever invented and a long night sitting commando in “the reading room.”
My friend texted me this morning to see how I was doing. My response…”I feel drained.”
If you didn’t click on the Dave Barry link earlier, you definitely should now, because 1) no one can describe how my evening went last night better than he does and 2) no way will I attempt to put such an experience in my own words.
Thank goodness for Netflix and it’s portable distraction.
Never ever again will I drink lemon Gatorade. Or think about lemon Gatorade or look at it either. In fact I might be cured of all forms of artificial lemon flavoring for life.
Give me some food, and I don’t mean cucumber honey lemonade. I want a salted carmel sundae and some bruschetta. Well, on second thought, maybe some nice warm creamy soup and some good bread with real butter first.
To paraphrase Maxine, the grouchy Hallmark card lady: “I have inner beauty…and I have the pictures from my colonoscopy to prove it.”
So grateful today, and yesterday, are behind me.
~~~~~
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