Good Grief and other Nonsense

My internal weather.

My internal weather.

“The only education in grief that any of us ever gets is a crash course. Until Caroline had died I had belonged to that other world, the place of innocence, and linear expectations, where I thought grief was a simple, wrenching realm of sadness and longing that gradually receded. What that definition left out was the body blow that loss inflicts, as well as the temporary madness, and a range of less straightforward emotions shocking in their intensity.” ~Gail Caldwell, Let’s Take the Long Way Home

I read this book by Gail Caldwell a while back. Before I’d met my best friend. It was an interesting read back then. I even quoted it several times in this blog post last year.

Now I’m rereading the book as a roadmap, trying to find my way out of this jungle I’m lost in.

I had no idea I’d feel this way. I thought I’d feel sad, of course, after Kathy’s Myeloma wrenched her from life. But this isn’t anything like any sadness or depression I’ve ever felt.

There’s real, tangible physical pain. No one ever told me about that. People don’t discuss grief actually, so when would I have learned this?

And I have only one channel in my head that comes in clear enough to see or hear, the Kathy Channel. Twenty-four hours a day it plays. That bluish light that a TV screen throws out haunting the recesses of my head day and night. Oh sure, I hear and see other things. I go about my day at one-quarter speed, doing dishes, moving laundry about, showing up at places I said I’d be at.

But the background buzz, hum, light, music and weather consists of Kathy. She’d find that funny and pathetic at the same time. Glad I could humor her, sorry if I’m letting her down.

I can’t find a remote to change the emotional channel I’m stuck on.  And it takes more energy than I have to look for it and figure out the buttons if I stumbled onto it.

Insert exhaustion photo here. Picture whatever fits for you, I can’t think that hard today.

I feel successful when I get dressed. When I eat. When I carry on a conversation without saying her name or referring to her somehow.

Please don’t ask me to go to the grocery store. It takes hundreds of steps to get to the dairy section, and more energy than I have to lift the gallon of milk into the cart. And then seeming miles away the produce section waits, the logic of its order lost on me. And the loudspeaker blaring, do loudspeakers do anything else but blare? Obviously the overnight restocking crew cranks the music up and no one ever turns it down. How am I supposed to think through this grocery list with so many bad songs from the eighties and nineties blasting away at my every thought? And heaven forbid I should see someone I know. I dig up my cheerful face, drag out my pretend untired voice, pull my shoulders back to give the illusion of standing up.

I attempt all the right responses.

“Fine. Great. Tough. Getting through. Life. Goes On. Thanks. Sure. Uh huh. See ya around.”

Then I cave in on myself. I want to curl up in the shopping cart and sleep, right there beside the salad dressings and croutons and bacon bits. Pull some cereal boxes over my head like a bad blanket.

But that would indicate some kind of madness or lack of sanity or a grip slipped. So instead, I stare at the grocery list and find something on it that tells me what I should do next, if I can go home yet.

All this from a mere five-year friendship.

I can’t begin to fathom a twenty-five year marriage with half of the duo gone. It’d be like a body with no skin, all raw, exposed nerves and internal parts on fire with rage, salt encrusted, oozing.

Someone should do something to fix this. This can’t be right. Aren’t there rules or laws that make this kind of pain illegal or impossible?

Categories: Cancer, Death, Mental Health, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

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9 thoughts on “Good Grief and other Nonsense

  1. Anonymous

    I’m sorry the experience is so painful. If it’s any consolation it adds even more depth to your already poignant writing. Thanks for sharing it. You are extremely eloquent despite your grief.


    • I’m just trying to make sense of it all and words are my only logic. Thank you.


      • Anonymous

        Grief doesn’t make sense when we are going through it. it comes in waves of emotion at the least convenient times… but all so necessary for the healing process of we humans ❤


  2. Anonymous

    Kami, I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Grieving after the loss of a loved one is inevitable, and mentally and physically draining and yet seems to be a necessary part of this life we might not fully understand until we pass to the next life and are reunited. All of your thoughts you share with us are very profound, thanks for sharing…


  3. As one who struggles with grief on a daily basis, I never knew that even with time it wouldn’t ever go away. The pain lessens on a daily basis but there are still moments, hours and even days, when it rear’s it’s ugly head, takes my breath away and I go back to my bed until I can breathe again. And yes, it is incredibly physical.
    I could say all the usual things like “Hang in there”, “It will get better”…blah blah blah but the reality is, I can only say, you are not alone in your feelings and that they are real.


    • I never, ever would have guessed this about you MCat. It helps somehow to know I’m not just going bonkers, that others feel similar things.Thank you.


  4. I liked this post but it doesn’t seem right – what my like says is that I know this pain, and I’m sorry you’re in it. Time doesn’t heal though ‘they’ say so, but you need time to get through the raw…


  5. I wish I could offer a suggestion, but this will take time and you are the only one who can decide how much time is necessary. Thank you for making the effort to share it so well.


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