I Haz Wurds

I had the distinct pleasure recently of going to a job interview. I know about elevator pitches, “me in thirty seconds,” power statements, objective phrases, all those tips and tricks for how to nail an interview and land a job. But it’s been a while since I’ve done the real world thing. I was woefully unprepared. But then, lately,  I seem to be unprepared for most of what life sends my way.

You think I’m exaggerating. I’m not.

So here’s how the interview began.

Them: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I iz a person. I do stuff.

And it just went downhill from there. Ending eleven minutes later with Them saying, “we’ll call you.”

Which I’m guessing means they won’t call.

It isn’t just in a stressful situation like a job interview where my brain goes south. Oh, no. I can be in a social setting and fail just as spectacularly.

Them: So I heard you’re writing a novel. That’s so cool! What’s it about?

Me: There’s this main character. Stuff happens.

Them: Hmmm…

Me: Hey, I’ve also written a children’s book…

Them: Oh really? Tell me about it!

Me: Well, there’s this main character… She does stuff…

Impressive, isn’t it? I know. Sometimes I astound myself with my utter lack of ability to communicate clearly and succinctly. If I could just type out my thoughts I might be more effective. Maybe I could pretend to be mute. It might work out better that way, although I’d surely offend someone unintentionally.

I’ve been told I’m a pretty decent teacher. Recently, after a teaching gig, I had a friend say something along the lines of, “I don’t think what was in your head was what you were saying.” Which was her kind way of saying that I tanked big time.

There are people who know me that could testify that I can carry on actual conversations. I’m often coherent and almost intelligent. It’s true that I’m more comfortable listening, although there’s usually an unspoken dialogue running in my head that’s witty and brilliantly spot on. It’s just that the connection between my brain and my mouth seems to be defective somehow.

I’m hoping I can land a job that involves no interview, no face to face contact, and no verbal interaction. I know, I know that’s not at all realistic.

In the meantime I’ll work on my verbal skills, practice my “me in thirty seconds” spiel and polish up my interview answers.

Or maybe, I could be a dog walker and pooper scooper! I’ve heard there’s an app for that.