Humor

Doggone it! “IT’S A DOG’S LIFE–ESPECIALLY AT THE BARRETTS”

Posted on September 4, 2013 by Kami

I don’t have much experience with dogs. Except for a fairly traumatic experience with a beagle when I was nine or ten. But that story isn’t entertaining, enlightening or really all that interesting. It just made me not want to ever own a dog in my life.

I’ve worked with dogs. No, I’m not referencing any of my bosses, who have all been wonderful. No, really. But a couple times I worked at someone’s home and their dog or dogs became an integral part of my work day, and sometimes my non-work day.

What I’m taking far too long to say here is I have no dog stories. But I recently read one that summed up dog ownership with such grace and aplomb that I decided I needed to let you, my faithful readers in on the same story.

So here, straight from the pen of one of my dear writer’s group friends, Elizabeth Barrett, I turn you over to her able and witty words:

Elizabeth Willis Barrett's avatartheotherelizabethbarrett

Buddy and Livvi

Elizabeth Willis Barrett

I do not like dogs.  The only thing they have going for them is that they are 50 times better than cats.  For some reason the word “cat” puts a shiver down my bones.  I don’t know why I wasn’t blessed with an animal loving gene.  I think when the lines were queuing in Heaven for various attributes, I stood far too long in the Music lines, constantly looking over at the Photography and Writing and Speaking lines to make sure I could eventually get into them.  There was no time to wait in the Animal Loving line before I was whisked to earth and set down in Rexburg, Idaho, during a blinding snow storm.

But Brad loves dogs and has to have one.  We’ve been through many as a family: Chisum, Beau, Alamo, Chorizo, Mariah, Ike, Jeremiah, Sammi and Bailey to name a few.  We’ve had…

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Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Sunday Quotables

Posted on August 25, 2013 by Kami

These may just be irritating to some people…which makes me laugh. But they might be a nice thing for others. I figured, if most of these quotes come from smart-ish philosophers, brilliant authors, or catchy poets they’d carry a little more weight and not come off so preachy or Pollyanna-ish.

Take ’em or leave ’em. It’s my Sunday contribution. Enjoy.

“Everyone wants happiness, nobody wants pain. But you can’t have a rainbow, without a little rain.” – Author Unknown

(Honestly wouldn’t this look cute on a meme with a happy little rainbow? or maybe a double rainbow?)

Then there’s this great idea from Robert Frost, of “two roads diverged in a yellow wood” fame. I figure he must know a little something about happiness. And Sunflowers make me happy, so voilà.

20130825-163834.jpg

And who could argue with Immanuel Kant.

“Rules for Happiness:

something to do,

someone to love,

something to hope for.”

–Immanuel Kant (this link takes you to a slightly PG rated 3 minute philosophy buzz about Kant – highly entertaining, but maybe discounts his believability as the author of this particular quote.)

And then there’s this lovely thought by Jane Austen that captures how I’ve felt lately…

20130825-163854.jpg

Categories: Happiness, Humor, Joy | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Accessing My Inner Two Year-Old

Posted on August 22, 2013 by Kami

Two Year-old kids get a bad rap. 

Oh sure, I’ve seen the meltdowns in the grocery store, the toy wars in the sandbox, the frazzled parents trying to get a tot cooperatively moving in the direction and speed they need to go. I also raised a few two year-old kids myself, although, admittedly that is ancient history.

I suppose it’s a case of the squeaky wheel when it comes to two year-old behavior. What most people see and experience is the negatives, of which admittedly, there exist quite a few.

There are redeeming qualities in two year-olds, apart from their general cuteness, and their adorable options in the clothing department. What is up with that anyway? How come little kids have such fun, bright, practical and comfortable pants, shirts, shoes and even sock options? Can we please just design a few of those in adult sizes? I have a particular fondness for Osh Kosh B’gosh styles which I think I’d look great in. Or not.

Sorry, I got sidetracked.

That right there is a two-year-old trait. Easily sidetracked. It’s one of those plus/minus categories. It can work for you or against you. Distraction is particularly important as you maneuver past any grocery items that might not be healthy choices. If I could distract my attention away from the donuts, soda and ice cream I’d leave the store with healthier options and a bit more cash left in my wallet. Dropping some niggling problem like a two year-old changes gears could help out my stress levels. Worry, worry, worry, oh look, something shiny, no worries. If only.

Two year-olds are usually a friendly sort. They’ll wave and smile at most people who say hello or smile at them. They’re eager to play with almost any willing playpal. I’ve seen two’s dance for an hour at a wedding reception without ever exchanging names or phone numbers. They were just happy dancing! That distraction thing then kicks in when punch and cake show up and the evening plays off as a massive success.

Double the fun with a two-year-old

Double the fun with a two-year-old

Here and Now

Two’s live in the moment. This very moment. There is no “in a few minutes.” Everything is now. That’s an enviable trait to copy. This right now takes all my attention. No yesterday haunts me as I do what I’m doing. Tomorrow doesn’t loom because I’m living the moment I’m in. Sure, that leans to the negative if taken to extremes, but so can overplanning, over scheduling and overdoing.

Empathy Abounds

One particular two year-old I know acts quickly to literally wipe away tears when her mom or sister cry. If the tears last long enough she’ll run for the tissues and bring some to help staunch the flow. Then she gives a wonderful full on hug and a kiss on the cheek. What a perfect response. Twos get it. They feel that full range of emotion loud and clear and when they hear or see it in someone else their empathy sensors kick in to high gear. “I see you’re sad. Let me help, even if I don’t understand why you’re sad, I’m gonna do what I can right now to give love, attention and solace.” Perfect. Those Two’s notice, care and respond to grief, sadness and unfairness with a quick hand.

Honest to a T

Honesty abounds in two year-old, mostly. They let you know when something is “yucky” or they “don’t like it.” There’s no fudging around, wondering what the correct response should be. Yes or no rule. Maybe doesn’t exist. Count on them for a real answer. I’d like the bravery to act and speak so definitively.

The advantages of being a house dog in a home ...

Two two-year-olds sharing with the dog. (Photo credit: EraPhernalia Vintage . . . (playin’ hook-y ;o))

It’s MINE! Except when I share it

Amazingly, the mine, mine, mine mindset that two year-olds often operate from can sometimes magically morph into sharing. Fairly generous sharing if you don’t mind half a mashed cookie or squishy banana bites. They don’t wonder if the gift they’re offering is good enough, measures up to your expectations and standards, or even if you want or need it. They just give and let it go at that. Good idea, I think, to apply to my life.

And surprisingly, there are times when the “mine” mentality needs implementing. Getting adequate sleep, eating well, meeting our basic emotional and physical needs so we can give from a position of strength rather than giving until we fizzle out.

Simplicity Rules

Simple things easily entertain a two year old. No need to buy elaborate toys when they’d prefer the box the toy comes in. The top of a soft drink cup can keep some kids going for a good fifteen minutes, popping and unpopping the “bubbles” for coke, diet, and other over and over and over. This is another two year-old trait I’d like to emulate. Not that I’m simple minded, but I’d like satisfaction to come by simple, pure sorts of things that require imagination and activity rather than sitting and being spoon-fed couch potato food. I don’t need or want bells and whistles and flash and bang. A great book, a walk in the woods, a discussion with friends,  music, bike riding, art, thinking. The more basic, the better.

Wall-e and Two’s

Recently, while watching “Wall-e” my daughter pointed out that little robotic dude behaves in many ways just like a two year-old. She was right. Focused, and yet easily distracted. Curious and driven. Playful and loyal. Simply entertained, generous, direct as possible, happy to help.

I’m lucky to have a two year-old in my life. She’s teaching me to be a better, calmer, generous, happier, responsive, more in the moment me. When I access those great traits I find a simple joy in life. It’s something to keep in mind. Food for thought.

Two-year-old’s: worthy of emulation.

Categories: Humor, People | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Party On!

Posted on August 19, 2013 by Kami

As a wee lass, I measured my life by holidays.

The year began with useless efforts to stay awake until midnight on New Years Eve. Upon waking the next morning after a solid night’s sleep I began the countdown to Valentine’s day and Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays. (that will date me…)

English: A milk chocolate Easter Bunny.

I spent the next four weeks fruitlessly looking for a green clothing item for Saint Patrick’s Day. And was always confused about when I’d get to eat the ears off of my Easter Bunny and slowly savor my foil wrapped chocolate eggs.

Memorial Day meant school would be out for summer break. Mid-summer brought the fourth of July with camping and sparklers. Then Labor Day was the marker for the end of three long and blissful school-free months. The endless two month wait until the Halloween candy-palooza felt like a drought. Thanksgiving quickly followed and then Holiday of holidays, Christmas magic would arrive, marking the end of another year.

Another critically important celebration fell in August, the most important month of the year. Owing to the fact I was born and then yearly celebrated in August, it was my favorite month.

And now other reasons exist to mark my August calendar!

Just so you’ll be aware and not miss out on any epic parties or giveaways, I thought I’d clue you in as well.

COME FLY WITH ME!

Party Balloons

Party time! (Photo credit: redfern.biz)

This week is National Aviation Week: well, technically, the 15th through the 21st, which is aptly enough always the week of Orville Wright’s birthday. That would be today, the 19th. The year was 1871. (Not sure how Wilbur, the older brother, would feel about that. Just for your information he was born on April 16, 1867.) I am eternally grateful for both of them and will celebrate this week appropriately by flying the (hopefully) friendly skies and saving myself a fourteen hour drive and the price of whatever repairs my car would inevitably require along the way. Someone should write a song to celebrate these guys. Seriously. (Haim? Jason?)

SWEET SOMETHINGS

One of the best ways I know to celebrate is with cake. Cupcake Day, coincidently, falls on every third Monday of August. That’s today, the 19th. My DIL (hey there, Stephalicious!) bakes cupcakes of such magnificence it seems almost criminal not to eat more than one. Practically a national secret, her frosting recipe excites every taste bud with delight and deliciousness. The cake itself practically floats into your mouth. The combination of top-secret frosting and rich fluffy cake produces instant joy and relaxation. Makes me really wonder what she puts in them. Hmm.  Alas, until my plane ride later this week, her miniature cakes of wonder are out of reach. Happy Cupcake Day anyway!

Bison Goat

Not leaping, but a goat, nonetheless. (Photo credit: im me)

“NO CRACKERS, GROMIT! WE’VE FORGOTTEN THE CRACKERS!” 

The last holiday I’ll highlight includes a shout out to one of my favorite restaurants in the Phoenix area, Flancer’s. Also known in my household as The Leaping Goat Place. August is, wait for the drum roll ******** (okay, the drummer stepped out for a minute) National Goat Cheese Month! I kid you not. There’s a webpage devoted to this monthlong cheese fest. Everything Feta and beyond exists there. To celebrate I’m thinking several visits to my favorite leaping goat are in order. Once for the “It’s about Thyme” sandwich. Once for the “Prickly Pear” sandwich. And once for something new. That’s three visits in less than twelve days. I might be getting a bit too wild here. 

I love my holidays. Except, as an adult Christmas isn’t as fun as it was when I was a kid. But that is a blog post of a different color.

SPECIAL THANKS!

Thanks to brownielocks.com for their wonderful compilation of as they put it, “Unknown, Unobserved, Untraditional, Silly, Strange, Crazy, Odd, sometimes Bizarre, Goofy, Crazy, Dumb, Wacky, Weird, Wild, Respected and Traditional Holidays or Observances mostly only in the United States.” (Cupcake Day is an  Australian Holiday.)

Check them out. You might find even more reasons to celebrate in your year.

Categories: Food, Fun, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Just What I Always Wanted

Posted on August 15, 2013 by Kami
When I turned nine years old, as I opened each birthday gift I said, “oh, just what I always wanted!” I said that over and over. “Just what I always wanted!” It seems like that year I got a Barbie and some Barbie clothes Mom had sewed along with a few other things I adored and gushed over.
A picture of a birthday cake

Happy Birthday!

Dad documented the day on 8mm film. A trip to the zoo was also part of the day’s celebration. I felt like a princess. That particular birthday along with other family event he recently transferred to CD for the family’s viewing pleasure. What a wonder-filled time of life that was.

I used to anticipate birthdays with pleasure and excitement. Not so much in the past few years. At a certain point getting older feels like less of a bonus and more of a deficit  It’s better than the alternative though, right? I should probably change my attitude.
It embarrasses me when I’m the center of attention. At the same time being recognized, wished happiness, gifted or wined and dined has its perks. What a conundrum!
As a way to address my desire for a better birthday attitude I looked up a few of birthday jokes:
An old lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 110th birthday.  “What do you think is the reason for your long life?” they asked her.  “Oh,” she replied, “I suppose it’s because I was born such a long time ago.”
 
Q:  What do you always get on your birthday?
  
A:  Another year older!
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”
His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”
His employees replied again, “No.”
Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”
 I thought those were good for a few laughs!
Seriously, I think this quote best captures how I’m feeling this year on the anniversary of the day my mother labored to bring me into this world:
“Age has given me what I was looking for my entire life – it has given me me . It has provided time and experience and failures and triumphs and time-tested friends who have helped me step into the shape that was waiting for me. I fit into me now. I have an organic life, finally, not necessarily the one people imagined for me, or tried to get me to have. I have the life I longed for. I have become the woman I hardly dared imagine I would be.”
present | the both and | shorts and longs | ju...

(Photo credit: shorts and longs)

Time and Age have gifted me something rare and unique;  they have made me into the woman who writes, laughs, loves, rolls with the punches, loses her temper occasionally, wonders about life, feels grateful, shares what she can and revels in living.

Although far from finished and perfected, the person I am today is “just what I always wanted!”
Categories: Gratitude, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Brain in Spain Falls Mainly on the Plain

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Kami
Brain scanning technology is quickly approachi...

Brain scanning technology is quickly approaching levels of detail that will have amazing implications (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s Gratituesday! Today I’m amazed, astounded and thankful for the human brain. As I watch my mother heal from her stroke I find it fascinating to see abilities and skills re-engage, words circle around and connect, ideas form and fill in. Skills that were nearly impossible two weeks ago now seem almost easy. Strength returns in surprising ways.

It’s equally surprising to see the areas that haven’t yet recovered. Similar abilities often use vastly different aspects of the brain. I never would have thought it worked that way.

For instance she can sit at the piano and play a simple song with both hands but finding her spoon on the tray and getting it into her right hand challenges her. Or she can carry on a perfectly normal conversation about almost any topic, until she’s asked about one of her children and the names elude her. And this one surprises me: she can tell a joke, but math baffles her.

I wonder as I hear her laugh, why her sense of humor has come back better refined, more active, mischievous and funnier. You’d think after going through what she’s been through she’d be upset, or feel sorry for herself, or aggravated at the losses and the challenges. But no, she’s optimistic, grateful and laughs at herself easily.

I think about the things an infant learns in just a few short months. Crying, eating, tracking objects with their eyes, reaching for toys, controlling head movements, sitting up, rolling over. All those synapses and nerves and neurons and signals and messages sent and received. What a wonder! Is there anything we’ve been able to create that duplicates that?

Seeing my own hands moving across the keyboard, typing, turning thoughts into words on a page seems miraculous and beyond belief. How does the brain do that? What electrical impulse does what where and how to make all that happen? I am in awe.

Before I get too serious I want to sidetrack here and say how giddy I feel, full up to overflowing with gratitude that Mom’s brain is healing and healthier every day. I also want to laugh out loud with gratitude. I think that feels incredibly appropriate.

So, In honor of my mother’s refined sense of humor and Dad’s new learning curve of care taking I’m including a couple of jokes that they will appreciate. You can laugh along if you want to. (Thank you Reader’s Digest for the great laughs!)

One hectic day at the hospital where I work, I was trying to take the medical history of a woman while being constantly interrupted. Flustered, instead of asking, “Are your parents alive or deceased?” I asked, “Are you alive or deceased?” She smiled and remarked, “I have got to start wearing more makeup! (–Vera Krause)

This next one actually reminds me of my parents:

Two elderly couples were walking down the street, the women a couple of metres ahead of the men. One man told the other that they’d had a wonderful meal the night before-great food, reasonably priced.

His friend asked for the name of the restaurant. “Well, I’ll need your help on this. Let’s see, there’s a flower that smells great and has thorns on the stem?”

“That would be a rose,” his friend responded.

“That’s it!” the man replied. Then he shouted to his wife: “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?” (– by Kerry Barnum)

A Dry Cleaning Joke

A man came into the dry cleaner’s where I work to pick up a pair of pants that he’d left two weeks before. He didn’t have his ticket, and I couldn’t find them. “Maybe you picked them up already,” I suggested. “I hope my memory isn’t that bad!” he replied, but said he’d go home and check. A minute later he was back, carrying the pants he had wanted cleaned. “I’ve been driving around with them in the car for two weeks!” he laughed. (–by Carolyn Brennan)

Categories: Gratitude, Gratituesday, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Five Ways to Drive Yourself Bonkers

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Kami

A delayed evening flight is a bad excuse for imbibing in caffeinated beverages. Don’t do it. As soon as you do, the flight will miraculously depart and arrive on schedule. And you? You’ll still be wide awake at 3:45 in the morning writing drivel on the computer when you should be dreaming of a deserted island with a hammock and unlimited iced lemonades.

A Hammock on a tropical beach.

The Perfect Dream Hammock on a tropical beach. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m sure myriad other ways exist for driving yourself bonkers. But this list seems pertinent to my week as I prepare for a wedding reception for my daughter who got married last week. Remember last week? It feels like months ago.

If you have a big event coming up maybe you can learn from my short list.

Five Ways to Drive Yourself Bonkers:

  1. Worry about things you have no control over.
  2. Assume you can do everything yourself and don’t ask for help, even when help is offered.
  3. Wear something brand new to an important event without having sat down, stood up, walked around in and gotten in and out of a car while wearing it.
  4. Try to find something interesting to watch on broadcast television after 10 p.m.
  5. Put off important details until the last-minute. (See number 4 above)

That felt a little negative and sarcastic. (Ya think?) Let’s try a different tack:

Five Ways to Recover from Your Own Mistakes

  1. Pretend that you planned for things to work out the way they did.
  2. Learn to delegate and to graciously accept help.
  3. Take a power nap and then eat some chocolate.
  4. Read a great book while sipping a cool beverage and ignoring your texts, tweets, reminders and calls.
  5. Fall asleep while reading (see 4 above) and stay that way as long as possible.

Not very realistic, for me anyway. Maybe I should fling caution to the wind (sorry, a cliché) and go all out:

Five Things I Would Do Differently Next Time I’m in Charge of Something Humongous.

  1. Rob a bank and hire out all the work. Every. Last. Detail.
  2. Start a meticulous daily to-do list months in advance and don’t allow myself access to any media or chocolate until the days’ tasks are done.
  3. Book a cruise to anywhere for the week of that event.
  4. Just say no? (See how effective that was…I can’t even write a sentence that sounds declarative and forceful.)
  5. Develop amnesia.

Okay, Okay, I can do this. Really, truly. Seriously. One more try for the Gipper. (What does that mean anyway? Remind me to look it up.)

Five Brilliant Insights That Will Save You Heartache and Improve Your Life and Save Your Sanity:

  1. Understand that you’re human and things aren’t going to turn out perfectly.
  2. Accept that life happens and that detours, side trips, distractions and worries are part of the process.
  3. Someday you’ll be able to look back on this and laugh. Someday in the far, far future.
  4. Remember the Beanie Baby. (Not sure if that really applies, but it just came to mind, it must mean something.)
  5. Love these people in your life, even when it gets bonkers.
Categories: Humor, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Sainted Mechanic of Rio Caballo

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Kami

In recent news: “Pope Francis cleared two of the 20th century’s most influential popes to become saints, approving a miracle needed to canonize Pope John Paul II and waiving Vatican rules to honor Pope John XXIII.”-By Nicole Winfield, Associated Press

Saint Bonaventure Window

With such generosity and goodwill wafting about I’ve come up with my own candidate for Sainthood. Whether or not he receives approval by the Pope or anyone else for that matter, is of little consequence. In fact, he isn’t Catholic, so I’m pretty sure he’ll be off the list on the first round. To me, this man is a true Saint by any measure.

He has performed miracles, uses his great gifts to bless the lives of many, brought the dead back to life, and brought hope to countless numbers whose hope wavered, flickered and nearly flamed out.

Who is this man and why haven’t we read about him in the news? Ah, for two good reasons.

1) he is humble and unassuming

2) he is my mechanic

Yes, you’re reading this correctly. I’m praising the man who repairs my vehicles. He deserves high praise, in fact.

How often does a mechanic receive such accolades? Rarely, I can tell you that. We’ve had some doozies when it comes to car repairs. A few mechanics in the past obviously thought we owned a money-tree orchard. If that were true we wouldn’t be driving fifteen-year old cars around, would we? I suppose desperation drives (cough) people to do ridiculous things and spend food and rent money to keep a car running. Unlike some shysters we have encountered in the past, our mechanic is honest, direct and helpful with reason and sanity.

This guy is amazing.

  • He makes house calls.
  • If the problem with the truck or car is something that MSH or my son can reasonably repair, saving us the cost of labor, he’s happy to explain the process, suggest places to find the parts needed at a decent price and answer questions if they come up.
  • More times than I care to count, he has resurrected a car past the “stinketh” stage.
  • He has taken mercy on us on occasion and moved our sole working car to the head of the line of cars outside his backyard shop.
  • Widows often have repairs done at little or no cost, because he can. What a good guy!
  • If it isn’t repairable, he’ll say so, flat-out. “Dude, you need to get a different car. Sorry to have to break it to you.”
  • Car repair isn’t his first job. It’s a kind of hobby/second job/good Samaritan thing he does.
mechanic with car

(Photo credit: anyjazz65)

Alas, I looked up the requirements for canonization (i.e. becoming a saint) here and it doesn’t look good so far. Candidates must be deceased and my mechanic remains very much alive and rolling. Thank goodness, ’cause we’d be lost without him.

On the other hand, he has led an exemplary life, blesses others daily and has no skeletons in his closet or his tool chest, which are other requirements he clearly meets astoundingly well. He is a man of integrity and generosity and knowledge, a perfect combination in a businessman and a gentleman.

Countless car miracles have occurred to which we and others will gladly bear witness. Lame, maimed, nearly dead, completely dead, gasping, choking, smoking, he has dealt with and cured or at least temporarily revived many a sad car in its day. Surely a few minor rules could slide to allow a non-Catholic some well-deserved Sainthood.

Personally I’d love to reside where I could get by without a car. But for where we live and what we do, it isn’t terribly realistic. Maybe someday we’ll live in a tiny town where I can ride a bike everywhere I need to go. Or a big town where public transportation is convenient, on-time and reliable.

In the meantime, our mechanic will remain, anonymously, The Sainted Mechanic of Rio Caballo.

Categories: Humor, Transportation, Travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Have You Met Your Laugh Quota this Week?

Posted on June 21, 2013 by Kami

When did you last have an all out, stomach grabbing, nearly fall off of your chair belly laugh?

I ask myself that very question every couple of weeks, as a kind of mental health checkup. If I’m not getting in a great laugh at least once a week, then I need to find a really good comedy to watch or read. Better yet, I need my cousin to email me some great jokes. She has a great sense of humor and wonderful comedic timing.

Laugh

It’s been a while since I’ve had a good laugh, so I’ve been online looking for something to tickle my funny bone. What follows is a few choice results of good, clean funny stuff my marathon running cousin has sent me in the past couple of years. Thanks, “cuz” for the great laughs!

I hope you enjoy a good chortle or giggle, like I did.

New Definitions

This one’s been circulated a bunch because it’s funny. Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:


Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido : All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Alternate Meanings for Common Words

Here’s some alternate meanings for common words: 

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Comics

Comics (Photo credit: Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious)

Titles of some of the World’s Shortest Books: (warning, not Politically Correct)

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY 
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
And Prefaced by George Soros

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL 
By Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
 By Bill Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
 By Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY 
By Dennis Rodman

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
 By Amelia Earhart

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

Ice Ice Baby

Posted on June 14, 2013 by Kami

Celebrating a friend’s birthday a couple of weeks ago she mentioned that she preferred a certain location for getting her fountain drinks, “because they have cubed ice.”

One of the women in our group who only heard the periphery of that discussion replied, “they have cute guys?”

“Yeah,” says my friend, assuming she’d been heard correctly. “That keeps things cold longer.”

“How do cute guys keep things cold?” the out of hearing range friend replied.

“Cute guys? What the heck are you talking about? I said CUBED ICE!!”

“Phew! I’m glad that’s what you meant. You’re a married woman, you shouldn’t be checking out cute guys! Everyone laughed. “I like Sonic Ice,” the woman with questionable hearing added as an afterthought.

And so began a discussion about the best kind of ice, which is not a rare thing in these parts, any time of the year.

English: Ice cubes

Obsess about your ice much? Arizonans surely make a hobby of it. I suppose anyone would who endures endless hundred-plus days and nights. Driving down the road with the windows down because the air conditioner has thrown up the white flag again makes ice a thing to be fantasized about to excess.

Crushed, cubed, full cubed, half cubed, round, tube, air blown, pearl, fluffy, clear, half-moon, flat, flavored, flake, Sonic, Hawaiian and shaved. One of the latest I heard of? Ice shots, a piece of ice in exactly the same shape and size as a shot glass. Drinkable, disposable, cheaper than glass. What a concept. Not sure it’ll fly here in the desert.

A key criteria for MSH in picking out a home to live is whether or not the refrigerator has an automatic ice maker. Seriously, I know! This is a man who wants some water with his ice. No sappy blue plastic ice trays for him. No aggravation from someone leaving two ice cubes in the tray and not refilling them. If you think water takes forever to boil when it’s being watched, you should try waiting for ice to freeze.

Ice cubes in a tray

Ice is important in these here parts of the southwest deserts. Don’t be disrespecting someone’s ice of choice. You’d better be ready to defend your snide remarks or your backside if you do fall into such a miscalculation.

Different ice serves different purposes. Do you want the drink to stay cold a long time without watering things down? Larger cubes are your answer. Or do you prefer to get through the drink so you can crunch your ice? Pearl or tubes might be your ice of choice in that case. Maybe you simply want the stuff in the ice chest to make it to the picnic and back without become so much flotsam in a sloshing square pail of lukewarm salmonella. Better go with a block for that one.

Is there a difference between a snow cone and a shaved ice besides the shape of the container it’s in? Apparently, Yes! Made by crushing ice, a snow cone tends to let the flavors filter through to the bottom of the cup or cone very quickly.  Shaved ice scraped from a block of ice provides a softer surface for the flavors to adhere to. Add some cream on top of either and you’ve got gourmet flavor.

Personally, I find tube ice an entertainment as well as a cooling luxury. Have you ever tried to keep a tube-shaped piece of ice tube-shaped as it melts? Not an easy feat. Getting it to slip on to your tongue like a little ice sleeve is an odd sensation.

English: Coca-Cola in a glass with ice Deutsch...

I couldn’t tell you where to buy that kind of ice around here though. I should work on that. Right after I figure out how to time my driving between stop lights so I can keep a nice hot breeze blowing through the car instead of having to stop at each one and cook while waiting.

When I do get stuck at a stoplight, windows down, diesel wafting through the interior, heat from the pavement creating mirages of sweating glasses of diet cherry cokes, I tend to imagine myself sitting in one of those ice castles you see in the winter time in some exotic location like Siberia. Ah, that’s the life. Forget drinks on ice. Put me on ice! Temporarily, anyway.

Categories: Food, Humor, phoenix | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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