Humor

Voila! Virtual and Real Made Clear

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Kami

Virtual or Real?

Which do you choose most often?

I could share some definitions from a dictionary for you. Like so.

VIRTUAL

  • 1 almost or nearly as described, but not completely or according to strict definition:the virtual absence of border contr
  • 2  Computing not physically existing as such but made by software to appear to do so:virtual images

REAL

  • 1 : of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things (as lands or tenements)
  • 2a : not artificial, fraudulent, or illusory : genuine <real gold>;also : being precisely what the name implies <a realprofessional>
  • b (1) : occurring or existing in actuality

Or I could show you this awesome video and you’ll get it immediately.

At the very least, you’ll laugh.

Finding a balance in life has never been easy. Seems for me lately the scales have tipped to one side too far. I’m working on a better equilibrium. I hope I don’t get caught with my pants down, (excuse the cliché’ but it fits, huh?)

If I remember my priorities that I wrote about here, then it’s easier to choose real when real is the best choice.

It isn’t easy. But it sure can be entertaining.

Another Blogger wrote this cool poem that also says it very well.
  • Real-ly? (thewestcoastline.wordpress.com)
Categories: Humor, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Emotionally Hydrated in a Dry Heat

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Kami

Call me strange.

Not quite the epic beginning as Moby Dick’s “Call me Ishmael.” But it will do.

No I’m not starting a novel, don’t worry. I just find myself reviewing my life lately. Which is something I usually avoid religiously, especially if I’m a bit overtired.

What I stumbled on in my revelry and self-scoriation was this bit of wisdom and light:

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” – Proverbs 17:22

Those fifteen words, strung together in the specific order they’re in, have made a world of difference for me.

medicine?

(Photo credit: Brenda Anderson)

I took life so seriously, for so many years. I didn’t see much room for laughter or joking, for silliness or play. And then a series of people taught me without even trying, that there needs to be, and can be, joy amid the sorrow and laughter even when the world is pressing in.

Some days I think the only thing that gets me through is the ability to smile in spite of it all.

And some days seem filled to the brim with joy and laughter.

Stumbling on the idea of intentional happiness as a daily balm, a kind of lotion for my soul, has made all the difference.

I choose to see the positive. At least I try to.

Call me strange.

Categories: Humor, Joy, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Oops! and Ouch!

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Kami
WRONG WAY

(Photo credit: CarbonNYC)

”Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Franklin P. Jones

Looking closely at this wrong way sign makes me wonder where it is and why it keeps getting dinged. Crunched repeatedly it’s obviously taken a few hits. Reminds me of the look you can sense in some people who’ve taken some tough hits from life. In fact, I’m sure I’ve seen that look in the mirror occasionally.

Dirt Road

(Photo credit: Barbara L. Slavin)

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all over the idea of Robert Frost’s poem of taking the road less traveled. It’s a romantic notion of adventure, unique experiences and rare beauties. Focus on that word notion. The price one pays for the those rarities in a high one.

But let’s face it. It’s not the easy road. It’s got the potential to get you stuck in the mud up to your rims. The road less traveled will lead to some sleepless nights, and painful days. The road less traveled will require some sacrifices and some tough decisions. And yet, a few of us choose it anyway.

All the onlookers from the other road shake their heads, chuckle to themselves and forget about the crazy ones once they get going on their own journey. They’ll even throw in an “I told you so,” when someone stalls out on the side of a less traveled path.

You may have stumbled on a less traveled path yourself. You may not even know that’s what it is.

I suppose the trick is an ability to laugh, like Seinfield, at the silliness of the foibles and the unfairness on that road. It’s also a good idea to keep your eyes wide open.

Happy travels to you today on whatever path you’ve taken.

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mud, Potholes, Spinouts, Blowouts, and Other Fun Times

Posted on February 21, 2013 by Kami

I hit a pothole once that literally tore a hole in the side of my tire. I didn’t think that was possible. That mangled tire made me much more cautious of those seemingly innocuous bumps in the road.

I’ve also been stuck up to the rims on a muddy road in a little Vega. Luckily my husband was up for a hike and found someone with a truck and a rope to pull us out.

And I’ve been in a van with the entire family on a snowy freeway and suddenly found ourselves spinning like a carnival ride. Not sure how the vehicle stayed upright. Half an hour later one of the tires suddenly went flat, so we’d obviously done some damage during the spin.

Why do I tell you this?

Life is a highway, a road, a path, a journey.

I’ve often felt that I’ve had my unfair share of uphills, spinouts, flats, mechanical failures, blowouts, impassable roads, uphill stretches and potholes.

Road blocked by landslide

Road blocked by landslide (Photo credit: wiesmann)

We could all feel that way, rich or poor, blessed or not, third world or first world, ill or well, single or married. Life isn’t easy.

It is easy, however, to tell ourselves that it isn’t fair. It’s easy to look at the road behind us and curse and complain. It’s easy to look at the path ahead and decide to sit down and cry instead of moving forward.

Yup. Too easy to take the pessimistic, sad, sorry for myself stance. I give in some days. I wallow in self-pity sometimes. I allow myself some poor me tears.

Little SRisonS Enters The Old Zone

(Photo credit: Scott Smith (SRisonS))

But then, I, hopefully, wash my face off, get dressed, and do what needs doing.

With a smile.

That’s the hardest part of all some days. Especially if there are metaphorical storm clouds looming, or a deluge of life’s crud to wade through.

I am not really a fan of Nietzsche’s idea “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” attitude.  I’m more on the side of the “I can’t tell if it’s making me stronger or killing me” team.

*insert rimshot here*

Meaning, I look at things not through rose-colored glasses, idealized and perky, but through the lens of humor or sarcasm. Laughter has gotten me through more rough patches than anything I know. I’m more likely to have a joke memorized and at the ready, than a quote about getting through life’s adversities. Depending on your temperament, one may work better than the other.

If I share a quote on this topic it’s probably because I see something humorous hidden in between the words. Or it resonated somehow with me. These few did.

“I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. ” ~Agatha Christie

The words wildly, despairingly and acutely seem melodramatic to me. Reminds me of a toddler’s response to the word “no.” I can see myself throwing a tantrum when life isn’t going my way and that makes me laugh. Not to mention, life really is a grand thing. Keeping my eyes open to the grandness makes a huge impact.

Bob Hope

Bob Hope (Photo credit: cliff1066™)

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” ~Japanese Proverb

This is the stuff of slapstick comedy. Carol Burnett, Red Skelton, Bob Hope, Robin Williams. We are constantly falling down, failing, messing up, missing a beat, off kilter and out of sync. Well, I know I am. I do a sort of mental double take and then dust myself off and keep going. At least usually.

Here’s hoping your path today is a smooth one and your road plowed and pothole free. If it isn’t, I hope you’re able to smile, or laugh, or at the very least, have a good cry and then keep moving forward.

Categories: Gratitude, Humor, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’ll Take Silly Quizzes for Eight Hundred, Alex

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Kami

Please answer the following QUIZ truthfully.

English: Peanut butter cookie with a chocolate...

Peanut butter cookie with a chocolate chip smiley face (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When someone cuts me off in traffic I usually:

A.) Yell obscenities at them and then blaspheme their children

B.) Follow them too closely and try to cut them off as well

C.) Figure I deserve it because I’m such a bad driver

D.) Hope they make it to a bathroom stall before it’s too late

If an associate or friend says something rude to me I will most always:

A.) Come back with a quick, witty, mean-spirited retort

B.) Mutter under my breath, but keep smiling, while planning revenge

C.) Try to think of ways I can change so they will like me better

D.) Wonder if they’re seeing a therapist for anger management

A friend fails to answer my text or phone message or email after repeated attempts, I will:

A.) Delete them from my contact list and refuse to respond if they try to contact me

B.) Remember all the times they’ve ignored or slighted me in the past, then simmer and fume

C.) Figure I’ve done something to offend them and think of ways to make it up to them

D.) Wonder how soon they’ll have their technology up and running again

A blogger posts a silly quiz on the internet  with results I don’t agree with, I proceed to:

A.) Post a comment that lets them know what genus and species I think they belong in

B.) Create my own silly quiz that makes fun of their silly quiz

C.) Take the results to heart and begin a regime of self-improvement

D.) Keep following their blog, assuming they were having a writer’s block sort of day

Now add up how many questions you answered A, B, C, or D

If you answered mostly A.)

I hope we never meet in a dark alley, or a lighted one for that matter. Why do you want to jump to the worst conclusion about people? I know traffic isn’t a fun place to find yourself day in and day out. I’ve spent more time than I’m willing to admit stuck behind silliness, squeezed into two lanes from four, and mystified by the rudeness and poor vision of others. I’ve also worked with my share of dweebs and space cadets. It could be very, very helpful to you if  you decide that others’ lack of skill and finesse isn’t going to determine how your day goes. In other words, RELAX a little bit. Loosen your grip on that steering wheel, pop in some chill tunes, think happy thoughts and go with the flow.  You’ll get where you’re going eventually. And if you don’t, you’ll at least not be quite so irritable or isolated.

If you answered mostly B.)

You might want to consider adding some sugar to  your diet and an extra hour to your sleep. Seriously?!? Do you even like your life? If it’s all about revenge and retorts and one-upping the other guy how fun can things be? I hate to burst your bubble, but there is no one keeping score anywhere! Surprised? No matter how many people you put down, criticize, back stab or plot against, your life isn’t going to be better because of it.  In fact, it’s possible you’ll have a really lonely and horrific life, one in which people avoid you and don’t invite you along for the ride. You need to watch more 40’s and 50’s musicals and some Jerry Lewis movies. Laugh a little more. Curse a little less. Try on a smile.

If you answered mostly C.)

Lighten up on yourself and read more limericks, jokes and humorous blogs. You take life way too seriously.  Really. I know it is a serious business and there are important things to deal with. Other people’s opinions about you ARE NOT one of those important things. Even if you are a politician, which I hope you aren’t, other people’s opinions of your aren’t real, or important. Be nicer to yourself. You’re a great person with all kinds of wonderful going on. You ought to admit it. Look in the mirror every day and say in your most sultry voice, “Hi there, beautiful!” If nothing else it’ll make you smile or laugh.  And heaven knows we could all use more laughter in our lives.

If you answered mostly D.)

Fill out the application for sainthood and prepare to be translated into a higher form of life. Really, you need to be writing this blog for me. It’s a wondrous thing to assume the best, rather than the opposite. Optimism and cheerfulness are in short supply. It’s nice that you’re setting the example for the rest of us curmudgeons. Hopefully some of your good will can rub off, or radiate or jump start some of us into a better place. Thanks for sharing your bits of sunshine.

If your answers were even between A, B, C, D you might want to schedule an appointment really soon with a massage therapist, a travel agent, your banker or your broker and a lawyer. I’m not sure what it means and am not in the least qualified to give you any advice at all.

However, I could give you my standard answer for most problems that arise. It’s worked on more occasions than I can count.

Eat something healthy and delicious.

Drink an extra glass or two of water.

Take a nice long nap, and then go to bed early tonight.

Eat some good chocolate (very crucial).

Last of all you need to know that everything is going to be all right.

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Sleepless in Phoenix, Or a Suburb Nearby

Posted on February 3, 2013 by Kami
Caffeine has a significant effect on spiders, ...

Caffeine has a significant effect on spiders, which is reflected in the construction of their webs. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Either the decaffeinated soda I had at the movie wasn’t, or my brain is being hotwired by miniature gangsters.  Little zingers of electricity keep pulsing through my head every twenty to fifty seconds, just enough to keep me from dropping into dreamland for some much-needed rest.

Today Yesterday was my first Saturday back at real life after my three-week attempt at turning my body inside out through the process of coughing. Luckily the experiment failed and I remain skin side out. I’m a bit tuckered. I think I might have overdone it with the weekend warrior thing so soon after recovery. Oh well.

It felt glorious to be out doing yard work, (remember I’m in Arizona, 75° F today, all the windows of the house open, sorry northerners.) I cleaned up most of the leaves that froze and fell when the temps dropped below freezing for our one week of winter, and I took care of the weeds that sprouted after last weekend’s glorious rain.

Equally satisfying was juicing oranges from our backyard tree, mopping up the mess afterwards and getting some household tasks done that I’d neglected for a month or two.  I also successfully avoided battling the Saturday grocery store crowd by simply not going. I didn’t dust, but I did open the windows and air the house out, which probably added a layer of dust.

So yes, a tiring but satisfying and productive Saturday.  You can insert whatever image of me you want to conjure, smiling happily, wiping the sweat from my brow, cheek smudged with dirt, hair sufficiently mussed. I’m inserting a lovely image of a caffeine molecule. Isn’t it pretty?

Caffeine mol2

Caffeine molecule model  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Luckily this sleepless night won’t turn me into a frog princess for the entire week.  I can sleep all afternoon on Sunday, since I won’t be watching the Superbowl or the overpriced commercials. I’m not actually anti-football. I’m really just anti-doing-what-everyone-else-feels-compelled-to-do.

Once the game starts all the great walking paths will be deserted and it’ll be like an early morning walk, without the cold and without the sun in my eyes. Nap or walk, walk or nap, oh the indecision. Oh, oh, I could do both! What an idea!

The other bonus of being sleepless is being able to catch up on my blog reading. I’d gotten spoiled having all day long and all night long to troll the blogosphere while I was sickly. I think I spent way too much time reading. Is that really possible?

Now that I’m back at work, back on a schedule, and plugged back in to my audio book listening binge, I’ve had to pace myself with the blog reading and tangible book reading. Sigh. There’s a stack of eight books on my desk just begging me to open them. I have a feeling I’ll be pressing the renew button on my library website a few times.

Phoenix, a Cray X1E at Oak Ridge National Lab

A Cray X1E at Oak Ridge National Lab (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Speaking of the internet. Do you ever get the feeling that your entire life revolves around or is dependent on computers? Think about it. From buying groceries, even with cash, to finding out movie times, to communicating with anyone in any way except face to face, requires a computer involved in the process. Unnerving isn’t it?

Most people are in shock on hearing of someone who doesn’t own a computer or a cell phone or who aren’t connected somehow to the internet. I only feel envious. How glorious to live at such a slow pace. It’d be like going back in time twenty years.

That’d be tough to go backwards though. Once you’ve been exposed it’s like you’re a technology junkie for life. There is no going back. Sigh.

I guess having my bankcard mysteriously duplicated, used in some other state and subsequently decommissioned by the fraud detection dudes has put me on edge and made me a bit jaded.

I should be grateful, and I really am, that someone is brilliant enough to write software that recognizes that I can’t possibly be buying groceries or books from a brick and mortar store in one state while buying gas and soda in another state on the other side of the continent. Lucky me. Lucky bank account. Not that they could have bought much with the funds that are in there; another tank of gas, maybe a movie, some popcorn and an extra-large caffeinated soda.

Okay, okay. I’m done being a cranky whiner.

In my defense, the caffeine is still playing games with my brain cells; Space Invaders or Tetris, or both at the same time I think. I’m probably not accountable for anything I’ve written in this entire post.

My pillow keeps calling my name. I wish it’d stop.

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To Keep or Not to Keep, That is the Real Question

Posted on February 1, 2013 by Kami

On nearly every women’s magazine cover I’ve ever seen, there is one blurb about decluttering.  That topic seems more compelling than the latest celebrity gossip, weight-loss plan, menu calendar or scheme to get a raise.

From that fact alone, I would surmise that everyone is a packrat, everyone has too much stuff,  or they aren’t very organized about the stuff they have. (If you aren’t even a bit of a packrat, you can stop reading now.) You can read my own confession of “packratness”  in my Seven Steps to Organizing Your Garage or Losing Your Sanity post.

SURELY THERE’S MORE TO IT THAN TOO MUCH STUFF

For me personally, what I’m really looking for when I read an article on organization or dejunking, is control over my life.  I just want to feel I have a little bit of a hand on the steering wheel of my life.  Mostly what I experience on a daily basis is the sensation of being in the passenger seat of a first time student driver.

Model Homes This Way

(Photo credit: sdpitbull)

I’ve known minimalists whose homes were pristine, perfect specimens of the uncluttered life.  Were they happier?  Did they seem more in control of their lives?  Honestly, I have no idea.  It seemed kind of barren, like stepping into the pages of a magazine model home photo shoot.  Dry, flat, empty. That’s not the look or feel I’m aiming for either.

ALL OR NOTHING

We once moved into a home a week ahead of our possessions.  We had a couple of foam mats, some sheets and pillows, bath towels, camp chairs, our suitcases.  We ate take-out or deli food on paper plates, drank from paper cups.  The house echoed a bit. But we both agreed it was oddly pleasant not to have so much stuff around us.  Even the garage was empty but for the solitary car we parked inside of it.  (Now there’s an idea, huh?)

I almost felt like I was on vacation; camping without the bugs, dirt and latrine. A couple of friends dropped by to see the new place.  When we said we liked it empty you’d have thought we said, we’re thinking of installing a torture chamber in the spare bedroom. People really like their stuff.

Moving boxes

Moving boxes (Photo credit: Andrea_R)

We weren’t all that thrilled when the boxes and furniture arrived and filled every room to overflowing. (Did I mention we had downsized?) Suddenly there was life demanding attention, a to-do list miles long and months out.  And with it all, an ongoing list of maintenance, dusting, cleaning, polishing, filing, cooking, washing, and sorting.

LET’S GO SOMEWHERE

Maybe that’s why I like traveling.  My stuff is all that fits in one carry-on suitcase, a backpack and a personal item.  Travel is life simplified, life in control. I’ve got my own hands firmly on that steering wheel.

MSH once suggested living in a motor home. (That’s traveling, I suppose.) You know, those bus sized houses on wheels that snowbirds drive into Arizona on their yearly migration from Minnesota and Canada? I couldn’t picture us that way. For one thing, we aren’t nearly old enough. Besides, where would I put all my books? The thought of downsizing THAT much made me breathless with anxiety. That is certainly not what I meant when I said I wanted to have my hand on the steering wheel of life.

Steering Wheel

(Photo credit: Marie Carter)

Still, there was that one week we had of minimal stuff.  It was relaxing. But, it was also temporary.

I wonder if I could find a happy medium between almost no stuff and way too much stuff.

Guess I’d better look up some articles on decluttering.

Holy Mackeral! Look at all these articles!!! Guess I’d better get reading!
Categories: Humor, Wondering | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Crazy Going Slowly Am I

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Kami

I think I have all the makings for becoming a crazy cat lady.

I used to love cats! As a kid I almost always owned a stray cat of one stripe or another.  Zorro had a black mask around his eyes that made him seem mysterious and sneaky.  He’s the only one whose name I remember of six or eight little fur balls that I loved.

A photograph of a stray cat I have adopted.

A stray cat. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There was this Tom cat with bald patches, a short crooked tail, huge clumps of white matted fur and two different eye colors. That was on a good day.  He would disappear for weeks at a time and return with injuries, sores, greasy fur and skinnier than when I’d last seen him.

I’d get him washed up, fed and snuggled into a blanket on my bed and then rub his ears to reassure him that all was well.  He’d stick around for a month or two and then disappear again for a few weeks.  On his return we’d repeat the cleaning ritual. After a few years he simply never returned from one of his forays. I like to think that scraggly Tom went out with a wild cat fight that matched his obviously wild life.

We adopted another scruffy stray when I had a toddler at home.  This one I didn’t let in the house, but it got fed and watered and loved by my toddler.  She was the one who came up with a name for it, “Suffer.”  Seemed like a really appropriate name for a mangy stray who attacked the birds from my feeder and looked like he lived a rough life.  Years later that toddler told me she got the name from cat in the Disney movie “Cinderella.” That cat’s name: “Lucifer.”  Apparently to a toddler’s ears the name sounded like “Suffer.”

We don’t own or feed any cats anymore. MSH is allergic to the critters and I don’t have time or patience for one. Lately I just chase cats away from the yard.  The overfed orange tabby I refer to is usually lying in wait for some hapless bird to get complacent and comfortable.

English: Orange tabby cat

English: Orange tabby cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So why do I think I’m ripe for becoming a crazy cat lady?  Maybe the emphasis needs to focus more on the “crazy” and less on the “cat.”

Cats are only predictable in their unpredictability. You can’t count on them to snuggle you when you need snuggling, not like a dog, who senses a need and fills it. No cats are all about spontaneity and whimsy and fluffiness.

I’m unpredictable, spontaneous, whimsical and all too often focused on the fluffiness.  I’m a dreamer with little follow through, a planner lacking energy. Stacks of papers fill surfaces like a litter box and things sit around half-finished, waiting for inspiration or desire to strike, like a cat waiting for motivation.  It isn’t gonna happen.

At this stage in my life am I capable of scaling back or ramping up or finding balance, chi, inner peace, feng shui, enlightenment, reason, order or balance? Or am I one quickly becoming of those people everyone will want to avoid for her eccentricities?

“Crazy  Aunt Kami, man was she ever weird, let me tell you about the time she…” they’ll say and I’ll roll over in my grave to listen to yet another story of my non-exploits.

Maybe if I got a cat, I’d be a little less “Crazy” and more “cat.”  Sassy and content, carefree and clueless, living in the moment. Oh, and lots and lots of naps.

Actually, I think I’m already doing that, and that’s the problem.  What circular thinking I have.

Maybe I’ll just be crazy. I think it’s unavoidable.

Categories: Humor, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

A Mess of Mixed Metaphors

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Kami

“I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my….” whatever…

Whoever said that, whenever they said it, didn’t have the eternal cough of the blue plague of 2013.

Sure you can pick your attitude but that’s about it.  You can’t pick up an extra packet of actual physical energy at the corner drugstore when the survival of your basic vital organs has taken precedent over, oh, lets say, walking and sleeping and eating.

When breathing in becomes akin to sucking air through a soggy wet sponge and exhaling is more like a ’55 chevy truck trying to get started on a subzero morning, attitude counts for zilch.

Bad Hair Day

Bad Hair Day (Photo credit: simon_redwood)

No amount of perkiness is going to hide that hair sculpted uniquely by the pillow you molded, wrestled, cursed, punched and eventually drooled all over. The lovely color coördinated pajamas you carefully picked out to show stalwart resilience, sooner than later give over to a kind of Harry-Potter-got-dressed-with-some-things-from-Hermoine’s-bottomless-purse-look that should never be purposely duplicated.

And when you think you’ve cheerfully hit that magical spot in the illness where improvement feels imminent, you’ll overdo it by, oh I don’t know, sweeping off the front porch rug and running a load of laundry. And suddenly you’re back to desperately whispering sweet nothings to your lungs in hopes of pacifying them into a quiet stasis.

Days and nights run into each other, not even bothering to say excuse me, in a kind of manic rush of boring nothingness. Where is optimism now? In the trash can with the overflowing used Kleenex and saltine wrappers.

The formerly comfy couch and I have become too well acquainted. It’s not a healthy relationship anymore. I’m thinking of cutting back to visiting once or twice a week.  I’d like to renew my friendships with my boss and her neurotic dog, my car, the grocery store, my gardening and the laundry.  It’d be wondrous to see real live people again, too!

Highclere Castle

Too much Netflix, too many books, too much internet combine into a perfect storm of fevered sleepless weirdness involving Downton Abbey, White Collar and Sherlock Holmes which, oddly, seem to go together ever so well.  At least they did. In the haze of cheerful coughing everything is lovely, loverly, lovely!! Cue the soundtrack to “My Fair Lady.”

But now, ah yes, now I am on the upswing.  No, nix that.  I did not say that.  I don’t want the virus/bacteria/evil dark Sith to know that I think my body is winning.  After all, Attitude is Everything and Pride goeth before a Fall and all that. Rest, rest, rest, rest and more rest is about all I am capable of or should try to do.

Han Solo and Chewbacca

Until the rebel forces prevail and the planets all align, I will continue to sip herbal tea, Russian Tea, hot ginger honey and lemon, hot chocolate, mulled cider, broth, powerade and NON-diet coke. Once Han Solo shows up with Chewbacca, then and only then, will I stop slurping Ramen noodles, yogurt, Chicken Soup and saltine crackers.

Do I seem a little lost in fantasy land? Yup, I probably am. I’m teetering on the edge of a not so optimistic attitude, thinking this cough really will never end.

I can’t imagine keeping my sanity intact for an illness of any real magnitude.  As it is, this nineteen-day (so far) cough has pushed me to my perkiness limits.

Don’t worry.  I’m working on it.  I’ll get there.  In the meantime, I’ll just rest and try to stay off the internet as much as possible.

Where’s my book?

Categories: Humor, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Lambchop and the Borg

Posted on January 12, 2013 by Kami

So it’s day eight of an apparently eternal cough.  I am a mere newbie from all reports I’ve read or heard.

LAMB CHOP

Isn’t Lambchop a sweetie? (Photo credit: happydacks)

To paraphrase a lovely puppet from the sixties, Lambchop, “This is the cough that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend, somebody started coughing once not knowing what it was and they’ll continue coughing now forever just because this is the cough that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, somebody started….”

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

I’ve heard from some that it only lasts two weeks.  MSH has been battling the crud since before Christmas. I read of one who’s been hacking since the dawn of time, Thanksgiving. My doctor said nine days. How did she come up with nine days? Why nine, not eight, or twelve.  She probably figured by day nine I would have lost track of what day it was (I have) and I wouldn’t care anymore (I don’t.) Smart doctor.

star trek borg race Star Trek Exhibit at Queen...

“Resistance is Futile” So is cough suppressant! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Apparently this evil abomination of a cough laughs in the face of antibiotics, chortles at inhalers, becomes maniacal at the introduction of steroids. To quote the Borg from Star Trek, “Resistance is futile.” In other words, cough suppressants are useless, too.

I had a little run in with an over-the-counter cough suppressant that failed to warn me of the possible hallucinations, nausea, light-headedness and chills that would accompany the promised temporary cessation of cough. I know I should have googled it before taking it, but I was already beside myself.  Or at least I was beside my lung, which I had hacked up during the previous few coughing bouts.

At least during the next eighteen hours of coughing I wasn’t quite so freaked out by it because I was, by all accounts, high as a kite!!

The dreams I have between hacking sessions are bizarre and frightening. Perhaps that explains my earlier references to Lambchop and The Borg in the same blogpost.

I’ve resigned myself to living out my remaining days in my robe and slippers, of which I have two choices. My boss, bless her generous heart and sense of humor, gave me a leopard print robe and leopard print slippers as a Christmas gift. So now I can be stylishly near death’ s door.

Leopard Rug

Leopard Rug (Photo credit: Curious Expeditions)

When that robe gets too germ infested I can wash it and wear my puffy blue cloud print robe which matches where my head is at and where I hope to end up should this cough dispense my other lung on the floor.

I have come to one conclusion through this.  Hell is not a fiery pit, it is a coughing fit.

I have a few last words for you.  Hand Sanitizer. Vitamin C. Zinc Tablets. Face Mask.

Be well and may your immune system stay strong!

Categories: Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

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