Mental Health

Weather, I Like It or Not

Tornado sirens keep going off in my head.

Nope, I don’t live in Oklahoma anymore.

All the noise and turmoil jostles me from the inside, mostly in my head, but my stomach seems involved as well. This happens sometimes in the summer, at least it does here in the desert.

Maybe my body and brain attempt to hibernate like those frogs from around here that emerge for a brief season and then burrow underground until the next wet season. Unfortunately that’s not an option for we humanoids.

English: cloud and rain, weather forecast symbol

Cloud and rain, weather forecast symbol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hibernating sounds delightful doesn’t it? Sleep for three to five months while the land bakes, crackles, pulls away from the edges and curls up in tight little fists. I’m certain this climate wasn’t intended for human consumption. Look at how many hoops we have to jump through to make it habitable. Miles of canals, cavernous wells, refrigerated air, draining a river dry before it reaches its final destination.

Clearly the heat plays its games with my neurons, my electrolytes, my sense of well-being. Surely I’m a snow bird with a need to fly north with the spring winds, then waft back on southern breezes during the winter months. Can someone please tell my bank account about my true nature and needs? Being stuck here in 110 plus degrees turns me into a pillar of salt as I look back at all the moderate, temperate, reasonable places we’ve lived. Even twenty below winters sound mild in comparison to this silliness.

I recently spent three weeks up north in cooler country, admittedly mostly indoors. But, it was still gloriously cool in the evenings, reasonable in the daytime, tolerable any time. So, coming back to the desert has thrown my body into conniptions.

I’d forgotten that taking a walk any later than eight in the morning might result in a daylong headache. It had slipped my mind that stepping outdoors for a breath of fresh air might not smell the least bit fresh. Burnt and over baked and ozonated, yes, but fresh, no. I had easily let the hard truth of endless summer filter out of my consciousness.

Stepping off the plane into the physical onslaught of oppressive heat, even in the relative shelter of the temporary hallway from plane to terminal, left me feeling drained of energy and instantly tired. My very cell remembered, even if my head forgot, that desert summers suck the life out of a person. Literally and figuratively.

Sorry for being such a downer today. The transition has been a brutal one. And that’s WITH a great air conditioning system.

This time of year the seven-day forecast teasingly shows pictures of clouds with raindrops. Then, in the fine print below the cloud something like “10%” or “20%” shows up. They call that a chance of rain. I call it teasing. I call that false advertising. In fact, it’s downright mean.

English: A example of Cumulus congestus which ...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many mornings I wake to billowing cloud formations tinged in pinks and corals with a promise of moisture in the air. I’ve learned not to fall for the ploy. Late afternoons do something similar with huge plumes of clouds over the distant mountains taunting and laughing with the potential of a downpour. The clouds lift to dizzying heights, establish an anvil shape and collapse into a dry, hot wind and then disappear.

I think straight blue sky is easier to take than those pretender clouds. At least with blue you know where you stand. Heat, all day, no matter what.

Sure, someday the cool weather will arrive. Someday after Halloween usually. And by cool I mean high temperatures that don’t breach the one hundred degree Fahrenheit mark.

Kids come out of the woodwork on a day where the temps are under one hundred. It’s the jackpot, the lalapalooza, the signaling of the end of cabin fever days stuck inside with recirculated air and inactivity. I can hardly wait to see frisbees soaring, lacrosse sticks flying, children on the playground, night games in the park and pickup football scrimmages.

Even more I look forward to planting my fall/winter garden.

It’ll happen. Eventually.

Until then I watch.

I wait.

I hope for rain.

Categories: Mental Health, Nature, Outdoors, The World | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Don’t Forget to Breathe

Once in a while a writing prompt from WordPress vibrates one of those inner strings. Today’s did.

“What are you putting off? Why?”

Give me an hour or two and I’ll think this one over and write more on the topic. Plus I’ve got a few things I need to take care of.

Seriously.

Okay, I’m back. I didn’t procrastinate quite as long on this as I thought I might.

Here’s what I thought about.

Attending to Flight Attendants

(Photo credit: Felix_Nine)

Y’know on the airplane when the flight attendants do their safety spiel? There’s that part about if the cabin pressure suddenly drops then oxygen masks will drop in front of you. They then tell you that if you’re traveling with young children or a person who requires assistance you should put on your own mask first. Once your oxygen mask is in place then you help others with their oxygen masks.

That goes against every instinct most parents have. Kids always come first, don’t they? Almost always. And if you’re a caregiver, priority number one is the person you care for.

The reason behind these instructions of putting on your own oxygen mask first is simple. In the time it takes for you to help someone else with their mask, you might not get enough oxygen to be coherent or conscious enough to put on your own.

What in the heck does this have to do with what I procrastinate?

My procrastination problem involves neglecting my own needs in favor of almost everyone else’s needs.

Why?

Because I have this drive to make other people feel happy, comfortable, loved, cared for, safe, needed and known.That’s who I am. I feel almost selfish when I take time for myself. It’s always been a paradox to figure out how to meet my own needs while caring for others.

The result of this procrastination of my rest, my food, my exercise, my down time, my mental and spiritual nurturing is burnout, exhaustion, lack of clear thinking, self-pity, depression and ineffective use of time.

Surely there is a solution.

In the past my solution has been to wake up earlier, or stay up later, or both in order to take care of me. Which then eats into my sleep time. After a while, that “solution” has created more of a problem than a help. I’m overly tired, cranky, whiny and not very kind or patient. I start to resent those people I’m wanting to serve. Generosity and niceness fly out the window.

11-08-06_2346.jpg

(Photo credit: drbrain)

I’m not sure I have a solution yet. But the image of an oxygen mask dropped in front of my face keeps popping into my head.

Do you think that’s a clue?

Putting me first makes sense, logically. Implementing that solution requires mental rewiring and emotional redirects.

I’m not so sure I can pull it off. But I need to.

Putting myself first.

Taking care of me.

Me first.

Hmm.

Looks like I have some work to do.

Categories: Family, Mental Health, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Seventh Sense

I watched “The Jetsons” on a black and white television when I was growing up. Sure, there was color TV by then but we stuck with the black and white version for a while. All that amazing automated stuff seemed like science fiction and fantasy and silliness.

Today I lived a little piece of the Jetsons. I video chatted with my Mom through Facebook. She was with one of my sisters and my technosmart “little” brother who set it up for us. A few easy steps and bam, there was Mom live and in real-time on my computer screen.

Talking with her, seeing her search for words but NOT get frustrated about it, did me a world of good. She has the same smile and the same ability to laugh at herself and the situation. Suddenly everything was okay in the world again. Mom is still Mom, just needing to “learn some new tricks,” as Dad calls it.

Ah, how could I not be an optimistic person with such great parents. They have rolled with the punches so many times in life and yet they smile, they move forward, they keep on keeping on.

The five senses help us move through everyday life. The sixth sense, I don’t know much about. The seventh sense, a sense of humor, is critical to making it through life without becoming bitter and hardened.

Life is rarely all or nothing in the happiness or sadness area. There’s usually some surprising bits of goodness in the most difficult of situations. And happiness is often gilded with a tinge of blue, some loss or hurt or regret.

“Don’t wish me happiness

I don’t expect to be happy all the time…

It’s gotten beyond that somehow.

Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.

I will need them all.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh

This is as real as I know.

Maintaining that sense of humor is often all that gets me through a tough stretch. I can see now that I got that from my Mom.

Categories: Family, Mental Health, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Five Ways to Drive Yourself Bonkers

A delayed evening flight is a bad excuse for imbibing in caffeinated beverages. Don’t do it. As soon as you do, the flight will miraculously depart and arrive on schedule. And you? You’ll still be wide awake at 3:45 in the morning writing drivel on the computer when you should be dreaming of a deserted island with a hammock and unlimited iced lemonades.

A Hammock on a tropical beach.

The Perfect Dream Hammock on a tropical beach. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m sure myriad other ways exist for driving yourself bonkers. But this list seems pertinent to my week as I prepare for a wedding reception for my daughter who got married last week. Remember last week? It feels like months ago.

If you have a big event coming up maybe you can learn from my short list.

Five Ways to Drive Yourself Bonkers:

  1. Worry about things you have no control over.
  2. Assume you can do everything yourself and don’t ask for help, even when help is offered.
  3. Wear something brand new to an important event without having sat down, stood up, walked around in and gotten in and out of a car while wearing it.
  4. Try to find something interesting to watch on broadcast television after 10 p.m.
  5. Put off important details until the last-minute. (See number 4 above)

That felt a little negative and sarcastic. (Ya think?) Let’s try a different tack:

Five Ways to Recover from Your Own Mistakes

  1. Pretend that you planned for things to work out the way they did.
  2. Learn to delegate and to graciously accept help.
  3. Take a power nap and then eat some chocolate.
  4. Read a great book while sipping a cool beverage and ignoring your texts, tweets, reminders and calls.
  5. Fall asleep while reading (see 4 above) and stay that way as long as possible.

Not very realistic, for me anyway. Maybe I should fling caution to the wind (sorry, a cliché) and go all out:

Five Things I Would Do Differently Next Time I’m in Charge of Something Humongous.

  1. Rob a bank and hire out all the work. Every. Last. Detail.
  2. Start a meticulous daily to-do list months in advance and don’t allow myself access to any media or chocolate until the days’ tasks are done.
  3. Book a cruise to anywhere for the week of that event.
  4. Just say no? (See how effective that was…I can’t even write a sentence that sounds declarative and forceful.)
  5. Develop amnesia.

Okay, Okay, I can do this. Really, truly. Seriously. One more try for the Gipper. (What does that mean anyway? Remind me to look it up.)

Five Brilliant Insights That Will Save You Heartache and Improve Your Life and Save Your Sanity:

  1. Understand that you’re human and things aren’t going to turn out perfectly.
  2. Accept that life happens and that detours, side trips, distractions and worries are part of the process.
  3. Someday you’ll be able to look back on this and laugh. Someday in the far, far future.
  4. Remember the Beanie Baby. (Not sure if that really applies, but it just came to mind, it must mean something.)
  5. Love these people in your life, even when it gets bonkers.
Categories: Humor, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sudden or Slow?

“Don’t you think it’s much harder to have someone die suddenly than to have them die slowly?”

Multiple myeloma (1) MG stain

Multiple myeloma. Don’t let the pretty color fool you, this is wicked stuff.

A room full of ten women recently heard that question. The one asking is dying slowly. It’s a process that’s being going on for the past four and half years. The one she was asking lost her husband unexpectedly to death six months ago. Neither of these women qualify as old, not by any stretch of the imagination. They are young and at the peak of life’s gifts and joys and grinds.

What a stunning question to ask someone straight out when they’ve suffered such a horrendous loss.

It caught my breath. But they’ve both earned the right at such honesty about  a difficult subject.

But there’s no topic off-limits in that group. Not anymore. Ten years ago, maybe. Now. No.

A short list of some the other losses for that group of friends:

  • Two have cared for a dying or dementia ridden parent who then died.
  • A mother died from cancer.
  • A mother died after a long, long life.
  • A best friend dying suddenly in an accident.
  • A husband suffered a massive coronary, lived, but has lost earning capacity, mental acuity and vitality.
  • A sister with brain cancer.
  • Parents died at the hands of a drunk driver when she was eleven.

The Answer to that question is…

The conclusion was that sudden death was harder to deal with. No warning. No chances to say goodbye, to say last important words.

Although, the slow dying thing isn’t exactly fun for anyone involved either.

My friends talked about extra weeks purchased at the cost of hail-Mary chemo treatments. Talk of hospice and bereavement counseling also bantered about the room.

Honestly, I felt myself trying to physically create an emotional wall in that room. I kept turning my head away from this wrenching discussion, visualizing a barrier, willing my hearing to deafen instantly. Even now, writing about it, I’m leaning away from that side of the room, trying to create distance from such personal stabs of knife twisting pain.

I can’t, I won’t, I don’t want to deal with it.

There’s no escaping though.

We’re all dying slowly.

But that’s not the point is it?

The point is living in the meantime.

Velcade Chemo treatment: Cycle 2, Week 2

Velcade Chemo treatment (Photo credit: tyfn)

That isn’t always easy. Filled to the brim with mean poisons, your body overrun with side-effects, doped up on painkillers to survive the treatment that’s supposed to buy you more time, how do you make use of such poor quality time? How do you smile when the pain is excruciating? How does someone do anything useful, check any tiny thing off their bucket list, interact with their loved ones in a meaningful way under such circumstances? Cancer and its treatment is a personal tornado that rips lives to shreds.

Or maybe your challenges are slightly less complicated than that. Maybe you have chronic pain or a life altering illness. Perhaps you’re unemployed. Maybe you’re always worried about finances. Perhaps you work in a horrid place. Maybe your spouse makes life unbearable. Your parent might need additional care. Your child could have learning difficulties. Your car is unreliable. Loneliness haunts you. Your past feels inescapable.

Or maybe, if you’re lucky, it’s just garden-variety stuff. Busy schedules, sore muscles, what to fix for dinner for the zillionth time, a curfew-breaking teen, piles of bills needing attention, the mountain of laundry requiring scaling, a leaking roof, a tooth ache, weeds.

Living in the moment while living in the reality we find ourselves in. Not always easy. Rarely easy, actually.

Have we created a now that includes eternity or is now all there is? What’s your perspective? Immediate, long-term, short-term? Or maybe with blinders on? That’s a tempting option, but not a great one. How do you get through? What’s your coping strategy?

Death is coming for us all, eventually. Sooner or later. That’s the only way out.

What are we doing in the meantime?

Categories: Death, Mental Health, Wondering | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Scrabblize: A New Word for the Dictionary

Scrabble game

Scrabble game (Photo credit: jcolman)

Actually I should probably spell the title of this post Scrabble I’s. It sounds the same but means something different.

Let me explain.

About year ago life pulled me up short and quick. One too many sure-I’d-be-happy-to’s, one straw too many on this particular camel’s back, far too many aches on the heart, and far too little sleep. I’d been through a couple of tough years and was working my way down off the teetering cliff edge of stress and worry.

One day it just hit. I couldn’t do it anymore. My body and my brain and my heart all just said, “Nope. No more. Not going another step. Done. Finished.”

Kaput – On Empty

Instead of getting out of bed and getting on with the getting on I dragged myself to the couch and sobbed for an hour or two or three. Then I lay there like a bag of rocks. Unmoving. Unmoved. Worn down completely.

Talked things over with MSH, with a conclusion that I needed a break, needed to get away, regardless of our non-existent resources. He pulled a rabbit out of hat and a few hours later I found myself on a plane headed to my cousin’s house. My return ticket was for a week later with the option of staying longer if I needed to.

I did a ton of sleeping, especially the first few days. I did a mountain of thinking. And got in some high quality nature time. Denver is awesome that way.  And in the evenings my cousin and I played Scrabble, live and in-person, instead of on the internet like we usually do.

As usual she won most of the games

In Scrabble you can get some weird letter combinations on your tray. Seven letters and all of them vowels is a common one. Or all of them consonants, happens more often than I care to count.

It’s not even unusual to get three or even four of the same letter on your tray at once.That’s annoying and kind of useless for scoring the big words and high numbers.

Something weird happened during one particular game. Cue the eerie music.

My tray filled up with “I” tiles.

What the aitch?

Getting a tray full of almost all the “I” tiles was aggravating. Can you think of any words with lots of I’s? I can’t. I couldn’t. Even if I cheated and used a word builder program on the computer, which I don’t do, there was little I could do with that many I’s.

Français : Lettre I dans le Scrabble

There are nine tiles with the letter “I” in the version of Scrabble we were playing. I got eight of them, not all at once, but close together, with six on my tray at one time.

“Maybe the tiles are trying to tell me something,” I said to my cousin.

Ever the wise and thoughtful one, she asked me what I thought it meant to get almost all the “I” tiles.

I figured it was the “game maker’s” way of telling me I needed to think about “I” more often. It was MY turn for a while. “I” needed to take care of my needs, my health, my mental well-being, my basics.

I kind of knew that by then anyway, but this was just a strange reinforcing visual of what needed to happen.

The song by that country western dude came to mind almost immediately, you know the one, by Toby Keith:

“I wanna talk about me

Wanna talk about I

Wanna talk about number one

Oh my me my

What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see

I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally

I wanna talk about meeeeee

I wanna talk about me”

I didn’t just want to talk about me. “I” needed to talk about and take care of me for a change. The Scrabble tiles were pretty clear about it.

Like Spinning Plates

Spinning Plates Lego Style  (Photo credit: Jameson42)

Balancing Rocks or Spinning Plates

Well, my cousin and I discussed the need for the ever-elusive concept of balance in our lives. That seems a sort of common thread in many of our conversations. How to achieve balance, why it’s so difficult to find, what to drop or add where.

I don’t normally take advice from Scrabble tiles. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. But this one time, it seemed the perfect recipe for finding balance.

To twenty or more parts “U”

add eight parts “I”

for a more reasonable, balanced, livable life.

Stir well.

Season to taste.

Add more “I” as needed.

I’m certain that escaping to paradise for a week isn’t a normally balanced way of adding more “I” to one’s life. But it sure helped mine out.

Not your typical resolution

I returned to real life with a resolve to take care of myself more conscientiously.

I have an almost daily reminder when “My turn” pops up on my computer Scrabble game. There’s often an “I” tile that tweaks my balance meter and causes me to check my “I” gauges.

Writing this blog is part of that “I” time. Every day I focus on “I” for an hour or two, doing what I love, writing, thinking, and then writing some more. Then I get on with my day, taking care of all the “U”s in my life.

crop

(Photo credit: Emma Humphrey)

Scrabble I’s.

Scrabblize. It might not be in any dictionary, but it’s in my vocabulary anyway.

Your turn.

Have you ever gotten a message or advice you needed from an unusual source or in an odd way?

It’d be fun to hear about it, if you’d like to share.

Categories: Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

More or Less

Perusing the book store recently I came across some great advice. I took a photo of it so I could remember and memorize it. I think it may serve as my new mantra.

20130410-084430.jpg

Hope, breathe, meaningful words and love. I need more of these.

Seems direct. Easy to recall. Not always easy to do.
But I can try.

(If anyone knows who I can thank for coming up with this great list, please let me know, so I can give them credit and kudos.)

Categories: Joy, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

What Day Is It?

It’s Gratituesday! Today I’m thankful for those rare days that happen when time slows, pauses and provides a restful sense of calm and peace.

Most often these are three-day weekends. You know that Friday-feels-like-Saturday sensation? Mmmm. Then the real Saturday feels like a bonus day. Then a tangible slowness silently inhabits Sunday. To-do lists cease to exist. Urgency disappears. Sweat pants or pajamas fill all clothing requirements.

Catlike, I nap, liquid, languorous and delicious. Stretching, I peer at the hours that lay before me, unhurried and unworried.

Add in a Monday free from obligations and by Monday evening I’ve transformed into a new person, rejuvenated, alight with quiet energy, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

All this finds more pleasure if the people you’re with are agreeable to a slow pace, quiet talk, flexible meal times, ignoring clocks, lazy strolls, comfy couches and plenty of chocolate.

I’ve been fortunate, richly blessed, to have just had such a weekend. I’m all smiles and ease. Just what I’ve been needing.

20130409-114420.jpg

Ground cover softening a stone path beside a small pond.

Categories: Gratitude, Gratituesday, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

The Best Wrinkle Cure Ever!

“Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
”

anti botox brigade

‘Nuff said.

Categories: Humor, Mental Health | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who me? Grouchy? Never!

So it’s finally happened. After nearly six full months of cheerfully (mostly) counting my blessings, I’ve hit a snag. I find myself being a bit irritable lately.

Nothing major, just a kind of pebble in my shoe sort of irritability. It’s a kind of “I can’t quite put it into words but the people I know and love are avoiding me when they see me coming” kind of grouchiness.

Grouchy

Grouchy (Photo credit: RachelEllen)

Like I said, it’s nothing serious.

But I am considering asking for advice. Not from a professional. Oh, no, certainly not. Thank you very much. No. I simply want common sense, unschooled by books, unsullied by research.

What do you do to keep from being sidetracked by the negative vibe from certain people?

How do you keep the swing out of your mood?

What helps you not scratch the itch of niggling pet peeves?

When the slurp at the bottom of the cup has finally become too much, what keeps you in your seat with your hands safely, serenely at your side?

Who in their right mind (cliché’, yes, I know, another irksome thing to my writerly self) but I digress. Who in their right mind doesn’t get aggravated at life occasionally. And if you are one of those calm, collected, peaceful souls, can you tell me your secret?

Angry Dog

(Photo credit: Revolt! Puppy)

Most people who know me think I am one of those calm, cool, collected, peaceful people. Boy, do I have them fooled. If they could see the real me, when the door closes, the windows shut, a fan runs to provide white noise; I look exactly the same. Mostly. Except for the little telltale signs of exhaustion around the eyes and a tendency to bite, snarl and snap at innocuous, normally wonderful things.

Yes, I need advice. And I need it now!!

Or not.

Counting to ten is itself an irritation, so please, no such suggestions on that score.

See, my moodiness is showing through already.

I should take a nap.

Or go to bed early, and then sleep in late.

Or go for a bike ride.

Or fly off in an airplane to go visit someone.

Or join a circus.

Or breath deeper.

Your suggestions are welcome, encouraged, needed, required, necessary.

Angry bear is angry

(Photo credit: garrettc)

It would be nice.

But I’ll be fine, eventually.

I’m fine. Really. Just a bit snappish.

And peevey.

But I’m fine.

Really.

Have a nice day!

Categories: Humor, Mental Health, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Blog at WordPress.com.